Maybe one day I’ll look back at all of this and see how stupid i am maybe one day I’ll be happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Maybe one day the running rats in my mind will finally die and lwave me at peace. Maybe one day I’ll actually stop letting my mind run me but have me run it. I want to be more than just my negativity and more than just my drained shell of a human. I want to be light and bright again. I want so desperately to be me.

Why do i commonly think that if i hurt myself I’ll feel better about a bad situation? I just think about it i dont do anything bas its usually one of the few first thoughts that come to mind when i extremely fuck up which is really not great like i ignore it but why is it there in the first place? So many stupid questionss my only explanation is that it’s weird just ignore it. I thought i outgrew this. I thought this phase was over. I guess not. I’ll get over it soon i know i will. I’m also lashing out at the people i love and pushing them away and throwing bricks which is shit. I think I’m a bad person when I’m sad so I’ll try to be more quiet when I’m sad then speak when i feel better. That’ll probably be the best way to deal with everything.

I’m sorry I feel like I’m a bother. I cant help that feeling sometimes. I’m sorry i apologise for my lows as they seem oh so consistent. I’m sorry i feel the need to be validated all the time that comes from my low self esteem. I’m sorry i say I’m sorry so much but i feel like my existence is toxic to other human beings.. I’m not sure were to talk and who to tell.. I’m already putting my bestfriend through hell.. i dont want to make things worse than they already are. I’m sorry i took it this far. I’m sorry my mind is so dark. I’m sorry i need a flashlight to guide me out. I’m sorry i need affirmations.. and most of all im sorry for being so pathetic and so unbelievably sorry

I’m sorry i feel like a burden..i cant help but feel like that because I’ve been so sad..and so lonely not that I’m alone i just feel like that..i want someone to love me but how can i acheive that without loving myself thats the question really. The issue here is i know that i am a good person and i deserve to be loved then why am i so unlovable?

I feel depressed and lonely… i really want to be loved. And I dont think that talking about it is okay all the time. Like i have friends and i talk to them but i dont want to be a burden.. i really want to be loved and stuff and yeah.. just lonely is the best word

Maybe one day I’ll be at a place where I’m not so terrified of everyone leaving. Maybe one day i wont feel like I’m a burden to everyone around me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to disconnect that switch in my head that i am too much to handle.

But for now I’m just at that i told you so phase. I told you i was too much to handle. I told you i was a load. I told you i was too sick and twisted for anyone’s liking. But hey that’s okay. I know i should’ve gotten used to it by now but its hard for me to accept that even you…thought i was too much too.

And then it hits you.. People need to recharge elsewhere cuz you are tiring..

Have u ever felt like you fucked up so bad that you screwed someone else up emotionally that you never even intended to screw up. Ever been so scared that you say the wrong thing at the wrong time and just make someone’s heart completely stop in fear then after that anything you say is irritated because you fucked up the situation that badly. Ever wanted to kill yourself because you hurt someone so bad without even thinking. Ever be so incredibly selfish. So utterly stupid that you ask literally the one question that you shouldn’t ever ask without properly thinking it through? Ever jump the gun on someone and beat them over the head with a question that was just supposed to make you feel okay about yourself but instead it ended up completely scarring them for life.. ever felt like you want to kill yourself? Well i my dear reader. I want to kill myself for it. I want to die. I want to die for doing that to the one person who selflessly cares about me. I want to die because i don’t deserve to have him or happiness. I don’t deserve to be happy in my life. I dont deserve good people. I don’t deserve good things. I don’t deserve a happy life. I want to end it but I won’t. I want to die and get it over with but i can’t. I have a weight on my chest that wont go away a heaviness that’s choking me.i want to die but then he’ll feel responsible for that too.